About the Owner
When I was just 12 years old, I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety. Thoughts of not wanting to be alive soon followed and the idea of breaking skin to put my focus on physical pain became a reality. Here's my story.
As a 12 year old middle school student, I can't quite remember the exact day or moment where everything changed, but it happened in the blink of an eye. All I can remember about my childhood is how fun it was to be around my friends daily, playing baseball year round, trying out for basketball and becoming a star, and then the flip switch. It went dark. All of those memories were quickly covered up by an illness that I never wished for.
And that's just it. Depression and anxiety is an illness, some would say a disease that may start up with no warning or explanation at all. There's not one moment in my life where I would look back and pinpoint the exact reasoning behind my diagnosis. But whatever the case may be, I have fought and I have lived with it for almost a decade now.
Multiple trips to the emergency room on nights where I tried to end the pain with over-the-counter medications were all soon washed away by prescription medications and the best decision I have ever made. Growing up, I was scared to ask for help. I had always felt sad and the sadness usually wasn't evident until I was away from friends and family. I would show no signs and therefore there was no reason for anyone to ask what was wrong or how I was feeling. Then one day, during my freshman year in college, I changed my life.
I was sitting in Chemistry class and without reason or warning, I got up out of my seat, walked down the aisle to the steps, and walked out. I headed straight to the university's clinic and filled out a form asking why I was there. I checked off the box that said sore throat. At the end of the visit, the nurse gave me a bag full of cough drops and liquid medicine for my non-existent cold. She then followed up by asking a question that I will never forget: "Is there anything else that I can help you with today?"
I looked up slowly at her and shook my head yes, thinking to myself that if she hadn't asked, I might not have come out of my shell. I told her that I was feeling sad all the time and that for the last three nights, I have gotten drunk to drown out the pain and depression. The nurse then told me to hang out for a second while she grabbed she doctor.
When they both returned, we talked for a few minutes about my depression and how it was taking a turn for the worst. The doctor then wrote out a prescription for an anti-depressant that I received that afternoon and still take this very day.
Asking for help when I thought there was no one that could help me turned out to be the best decision of my life. That same week, I withdrew from the university with a medical excuse to start the prescription and focus on my mental health and well being.
Three years later, I have committed to play football at Notre Dame College. I work two jobs, one being a server and the other being the coach of two summer baseball teams. I still have my days where I feel alone and like no one in the world would care to listen to who I'm feeling, but I know it will be okay. Through it all, I've learned that there is someone who will always be there to listen and support me, just as there's someone who's willing to help you out in any way possible. Do not be afraid to open up about who you've been feeling, because help is right around the corner.
You are truly not alone in your fight against your mental health. You are loved, you matter, and you are beautiful. Remember that.